Bastards...

A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.”Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one... “Sorry I’m running late...had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present.” “Not to worry,” said the Dad... “The important thing is that we’re all together today. “Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present... sorry.” “It’s nothing,” said the father, “Glad you were able to be here.”Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello you both, happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.”Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, “Listen you three, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married.” “The three kids gasped and said, “You mean we’re BASTARDS? “Yep,” said the Dad....” AND CHEAP ONES TOO.

Football Game...

Football FINALLY makes sense ...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the q u a r t e r b a c k ! ’ I ’ m like...Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!

How old is Grandma?

Stay with this — the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

television penicillin polio shots frozen foods Xerox contact lenses Frisbees and the pill There was no: radar credit cards laser beams or ball-point pens Man had not invented: pantyhose air conditioners dishwashers clothes dryers

and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn’t yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir”.

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir.”

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekendsnot purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios.

And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan ‘ on it, it was junk.

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day: “grass” was mowed,

“coke” was a cold drink,

“pot” was something your mother cooked in and

“rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby.

“Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office,

“ chip” meant a piece of wood,

“hardware” was found in a hardware store and

“software” wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see — pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

This Woman would be only 58 years old!

Questions to ponder...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

-Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is Not enough?

-Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

-Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

-Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

-Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

-Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

-Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

-If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

-Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

-Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

-Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

-Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

-Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

-How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

-When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?”Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

-Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

-In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

-How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

-If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

-And obviously if at first you don’t succeed, then don’t take up sky diving!

-The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you. :-)

HAVE A NICE DAY!