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Who knew email was made for sending jokes?
The inventor of email
probably didn’t realize its chief
purpose was to disseminate
jokes.
WILL ROGERS, who died
in a plane crash with Wylie
Post in 1935, was probably the
greatest political sage this
country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who’s
chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on
a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to
arguing with a woman ...
neither works.
4. Never miss a good
chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream
from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a
hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to
double your money is to fold it
and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of
men: The ones that learn by
reading. The few who learn
by observation. The rest of
them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for
themselves.
9. Good judgment comes
from experience, and a lot of
that comes from bad
judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead
of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make
sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta the
bag is a whole lot easier’n
puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire
bull, a mountain lion felt so
good he started roaring. He
kept it up until a hunter came
along and shot him. The
moral:
When you’re full of bull,
keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING
OLDER...
First – Eventually you will
reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start
bragging about it.
Second – The older we get,
the fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.
Third – Some people try to
turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know
“why” I look this way. I’ve
traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren’t paved.
Fourth – When you are
dissatisfied and would like to
go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
Fifth – You know you are
getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
Sixth – I don’t know how I
got over the hill without
getting to the top.
Seventh – One of the many
things no one tells you about
aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
Eighth – One must wait
until evening to see how
splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is
beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.
Tenth – Long ago when
men cursed and beat the
ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today it’s
called golf.
And finally – If you don’t
learn to laugh at trouble, you
won’t have anything to laugh
at when you are old.
IF YOU’RE OLD
ENOUGH to remember 1974,
then you’ll probably get a kick
out of this one:
1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair
1974: KEG
2004: EKG
1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux
1974: Moving to California
because it’s cool
2004: Moving to California
because it’s warm
1974: Trying to look like
Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look
like Marlon Brando or Liz
Taylor
1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage
1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM
1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian
1974: Going to a new, hip
joint
2004: Receiving a new hip
joint
1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones
1974: Being called into the
principal’s office
2004: Calling the principal’s
office
1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system
1974: Disco
2004: Costco
1974: Parents begging you
to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you
to get their heads shaved
1974: Passing the drivers’
test
2004: Passing the vision test
1974: Whatever
2004: Depends
JUST IN CASE you
weren’t feeling too old today,
this will certainly change
things.
Each year the staff at Beloit
College in Wisconsin puts
together a list to try to give the
faculty a sense of the mindset
of this year’s incoming
freshmen.
Here’s this year’s list:
The people who started
college this fall across the
nation were born in 1986.
They are too young to
remember the space shuttle
blowing up on takeoff.
Their lifetime has always
included AIDS
Bottle caps have always
been screw off and plastic
The CD was introduced the
year they were born.
They have always had an
answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not
having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been
on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been
cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and
thought about Jaws.
They can’t imagine what
hard contact lenses are.
They don’t know who Mork
was or where he was from
They never heard: “Where’s
the Beef ?”, “I’d walk amile for
a Camel”, or “de plane, Boss,
de plane”.
They do not care who shot
J. R. and have no idea who J.
R. even is.
McDonald’s never came in
Styrofoam containers.
They don’t have a clue how
to use a typewriter.
HERE’S ONE WAY TO
MAKE A POINT!
A sexy woman went up to
the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to
the bartender who approached
her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he
should bring his face closer to
hers. As he did, she gently
caressed his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she
asked, softly stroking his face
with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I
need to speak to him,” she
said, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his
hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,”
breathed the bartender. “Is
there anything I can do?”
“Yes. I need for you to give
him a message,” she
continued, running her
forefinger across the
bartender’s lips and slyly
popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them
gently.
“What should I tell him?”
the bartender managed to say.
“Tell him,” she whispered,
“there’s no toilet paper, hand
soap, or paper towels in the
ladies room.”
IT’S A TOUGH WORLD
A little guy is sitting at a
local bar just staring at his
drink for half an hour when
this big trouble-making truck
driver sits down next to him,
grabs his drink and gulps it
down in one swig. The poor
little guy starts crying.
“Come on man, I was just
giving you a hard time,” says
the truck driver.
“I’ll buy you another drink.
I just can’t stand to see a man
crying.”
“This is the worst day of my
life,” says the little guy
between sobs. “I can’t do
anything right. I overslept and
was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car was stolen
and I have no insurance. I
grabbed a cab home but, after
the cab left, I discovered my
wallet was still in the cab. At
home I found my wife in bed
with the gardener. So I came
to this bar trying to work up
the courage to put an end to
my life, and then you show up
and drink the cotton pickin’
poison”!!!
AND FINALLY:
A young man wanted to get
his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for
their first wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell
phone.
He showed her the phone
and explained to her all of its
features.
Susie was excited to receive
the gift and simply adored her
new phone.
The next day Susie went
shopping. Her phone rang
and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other
end. “Hi Susie,” he said,
“how do you like your new
phone?”
Susie replied, “I just love it!
It’s so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there’s one
thing I don’t understand
though...!”
“What’s that, sweetie?”
asked her husband.
“How did you know I was
at Wal-Mart?”
Got a good (clean) one for the August
Email Box?
Email it to splashnwf@yahoo.com.
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