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Have you read the one about ...
Blonde on a Diet
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
He tells her, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor.
"No", replied the blonde. "From skipping."
Mama's Bible
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
-Luv Ya, Mama
Southernness
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
. Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
. Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
. Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
. All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
. Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
. Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
. Only a Southerner both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
. No true Southerner would never assume that the car with the blinking turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
. A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
. Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," ... we talk to everybody!
. Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
. In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.
. Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
. Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
.And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could." Got a knee
slapper?
Send it for inclusion in next month's issue to splashnwf@yahoo.com
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