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Have you read the one about ...
Things Hallmark cards don't say, but should
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! *** Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. *** Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
***
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.
***
How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? *** I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
***
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
***
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
***
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
***
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
*** Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ***
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
***
We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we stop?
***
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
***
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
***
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
An Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bullstrong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Clean underwear
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back out of sight.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Terror at Miami Dolphin Stadium
Davie, (FL)--Miami Dolphins football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Nick Saban immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.
Dangerous situation
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the children's Merry-Go- Round, you're drunk. Got a knee
slapper?
Send it for
inclusion in
next month's
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