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Secret to a long life
One day I saw a wonderful old gal sitting on her
front step, so I walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy
you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"
"I smoke ten stogies a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. All my life I've eaten only junk food, and I put away at least a fifth of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends I pop pills, and never do any exercise at all."
Absolutely, absolutely amazing, I thought, and asked, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-four," she replied.
More church bulletin humor
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days!
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
A
sticky situation
Aman boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box
of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went-up ...
So she took them home and ate them herself.
What the doctor ordered
Lady walks into a drug store and tells the
pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy," I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Got a funny, clean joke to submit to the Splash! email
box? Send it to splashnwf@yahoo.com.
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